I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
