Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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