I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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