my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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