This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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