Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
