Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
