So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I am naked and annoyed.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
