he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
