when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
