So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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