I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
