and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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