I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's never too late to be topless.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
