when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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