k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
