i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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