I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
