i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
