please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
