So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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