Just cropdusted the office
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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