Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
