I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
