i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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