did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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