So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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