So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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