did you get engaged???
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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