WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
