I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
