I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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