Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
