WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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