smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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