Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
