Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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