I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
