Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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