My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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