Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
