Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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