I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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