So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
