he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
