I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
