i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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