I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Randomize
