The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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