Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
