Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
