I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
